If you know me at all, or have spent any length of time with me in the past few months, then you know that I've had quite the time deciding whether or not to go back to school. I wanted to, then I couldn't get the money, then the money came, and then I had to actually decide whether or not I felt like God was telling me to go back or not. It is a weird thing, waiting on the Lord. Trying to be patient, but feeling stressed. I didn't feel directed one way or the other. I got to a place where I knew that if God told me to go I could. I was ready. Ready to go and leave behind all things dear to me to embark on another adventure we call college. I knew that I would be able to leave my dear friend, Becky. My incredible kids. My youth group kids. My job. My family. My church. My church family. My small group. My apartment. Everything I love about Yakima. I got to a place where I would have been able to go. I was ready to go.
I thought I would go. I decided to go.
The agony that followed was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I couldn't sleep. I felt sick. Not physically sick, but just mentally bogged down, almost depressed. I didn't understand it though. I couldn't quite figure what was causing it. I was ready to leave. I was willing and excited to go. I started packing.
Something just wasn't right. I knew it. I wouldn't feel this way if I had made the right decision. The two days that followed were spent almost solely in prayer. I read my bible and prayed. I spent hours seeking, reading, and praying for help and guidance. I knew that I wanted to do the right thing, not just about school, but I want to be where God wants me.
So, I changed my mind. The peace that followed the decision to stay was more than enough confirmation. I actually feel excited.
So much good has come out of all that agony. I now just feel an ability to follow God, a new ability, one I haven't had before. I think I needed that thought process. To prove to myself that leaving Yakima wouldn't be as bad as I thought. To fully understand that no matter my circumstances God is in control. I think I understand that now.
Obeying God is far more important than any college class, or education. Being where He wants and needs me is more important then anything else. I want everyone to understand that staying in Yakima was almost harder then going back to college. I wanted so badly to go back and to prove that a.) I will go back to college, and b.) that I'm not just staying in Yakima because I'm stuck in a rut that wont allow me to leave.
I know this is where I'm needed. I don't want to be here forever, and I do want to finish my education, but for now I know that God wants me here. We'll see what happens in the coming year, but regardless I know I can trust that God will continue to take care of me.
I thought I would go. I decided to go.
The agony that followed was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I couldn't sleep. I felt sick. Not physically sick, but just mentally bogged down, almost depressed. I didn't understand it though. I couldn't quite figure what was causing it. I was ready to leave. I was willing and excited to go. I started packing.
Something just wasn't right. I knew it. I wouldn't feel this way if I had made the right decision. The two days that followed were spent almost solely in prayer. I read my bible and prayed. I spent hours seeking, reading, and praying for help and guidance. I knew that I wanted to do the right thing, not just about school, but I want to be where God wants me.
So, I changed my mind. The peace that followed the decision to stay was more than enough confirmation. I actually feel excited.
So much good has come out of all that agony. I now just feel an ability to follow God, a new ability, one I haven't had before. I think I needed that thought process. To prove to myself that leaving Yakima wouldn't be as bad as I thought. To fully understand that no matter my circumstances God is in control. I think I understand that now.
Obeying God is far more important than any college class, or education. Being where He wants and needs me is more important then anything else. I want everyone to understand that staying in Yakima was almost harder then going back to college. I wanted so badly to go back and to prove that a.) I will go back to college, and b.) that I'm not just staying in Yakima because I'm stuck in a rut that wont allow me to leave.
I know this is where I'm needed. I don't want to be here forever, and I do want to finish my education, but for now I know that God wants me here. We'll see what happens in the coming year, but regardless I know I can trust that God will continue to take care of me.
Carrie, I am so proud of the way you have gone through this process! I know you have been really struggling through all of this, but there is nothing like the peace that God provides when you follow his plan.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for making the choice to go after God's will rather than what seems the obvious way to go. Many people think that schooling comes before everything else- but like God taught you, it doesn't. I wish you the best in your decision!
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